Pistis, Elpis, Agape

Mood: Instructional Song: Tourniquet (Evanescence) "But now faith, hope, and love abide these three; but the greatest of these is love" (I Corinthians 13:3) Let's just deconstruct that idea in light of upcoming (and recent) events. Observation number 1: R. is coming in tomorrow, and although I look forward to seeing her, I am now entering that type of stress zone where you know if you just thought about the amount that needed to get done in a single night the fear would become paralyzing. I haven't had this type of experience since my first semester back home. Bad doesn't even begin to describe my near (okay, pretty much) nervous breakdown. I can't help but wonder if that last statement is akin to being sort-of dead or kind-of pregnant :). Thus henceforthly (see, I'm a proper English major-I use transitional phrases ;) ;) ;). Mircat will be so proud of me)... I am typing in an effort not only to avoid the astronomical workload awaiting my arrival at home but also to focus my thoughts in more positive directions. What are the meanings of Faith, Hope, and Love? Here's what I know~ FAITH: According to Hebrews 12, it is, "the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen". Let's break that down, shall we (like a proper Torrey socratic [more on that later]). In other words, some situations require a tremendous leap. Even Job never found out why he was suffering-just the presence of God (theophany, for Pastor Julie) was sufficient. His strength in our weakness-that's faith. Abram/Abraham, the subject of my ersatz Sunday School class, demonstrated as much when he left all he knew, striking out for the land of promise only because of the Word of God revealed to him. Would that he were as obedient ALL the time.... Dante saw faith as white, as did Spenser. In The Fairie Queene, faith is personified in Fidelia, holding a chalice "With wine and water fild vp to the hight, / In which a Serpent did himselfe enfold, / That horrour made to all, that did behold; / But she no whit did chaunge her constant mood: / And in her other hand she fast did hold / A booke, that was both signd and seald with blood, / Wherein darke things were writ, hard to be vnderstood" (1.10). The cup of faith holds many dark mysteries, some horrible; however, true faith is not altered. The locked book ties in to Paul's idea of the mirror, whereby we see only dimly the truths of God. Faith and hope must be partners, for hope alone can make us hold fast to belief even when it seems impossible. When I searched in the OED (oldest usage: n=300; v=1430), faith was both noun and verb; it is LIVING, ACTIVE even. In Hebrew, the closest we come is "batach", to trust in something because of its intrinsic authority. Latin uses "fides", Greek "pistis" (note to self-ask Julie later) HOPE: If faith is a deep chasm into which we throw ourselves, hope (besides being Dr. Reynolds's wife, the "fairest flower in all of Christendom") is an anchor. Dante has her arrayed in green, symbolic of the promise of new life. In Spenser, she is Speranza, bedecked in blue attire. Like her elder sister, she is the daughter of Humilty. Now we Christians often think of humility as something vapid or self-demeaning; to the contrary, true humility shines as a brilliant beacon, ablaze with power and authority. Hope allows us to remain positive when the world around us is obliterated in a single stroke. Hope has assurance because it involves expectation. We realize that we have been promised and the one who spoke is faithful to fulfill it. Hope too necessitates action, since if we are hopeful our very lives will demonstrate that hope. Christians are told to "give an answer" for the hope that rests within us, and that requires careful study (the intellectual in me comes out). Hope will always rise, a welcome visitor in dark despair. In Greek, the word is "elpis" or "elpidos", in Latinate languages "speranza" or "esperanza" Love: i.e. Charity, a flame that purifies in its intensity. There are so many words for love in Greek, but "agape" love is the love our Father has for his children: undeserved and often unrequited. Love can exist between many people and there is no better description than 1 Cor. 13 to prove that love is a verb. True love is often mistaken for lust, its counterpart. Dante points out that love's only proper object is God; any perversion (pride, envy, and wrath), deficiency (sloth), or excess directed towards another object (avarice, gluttony, and lust) is equally abhorrent. Our baser passions cannot begin to compare. When we love, in the words of C.S. Lewis, knowing that we are all superflous, that is charity's begining. It is not through worth that we merit love, but neither is love equivalent to pity. Love desires (and expects) the best of another person; it is perfected in mutual submission. Born of Humility as well, love (Charissa) is fertile; it produces perpetually. It exists in relation to others, and according to my thesis it can exist in friendship (despite the disapproval of Massinger :) ). Courtly love is one expression, but it too misses the mark. In the end, love must die that it may be purified and reborn. False loves are many, and some are as easliy mistaken for Love Himself as brass is for gold. LOVE NEVER FAILS Love is also known as "charitas" (Latin)

You Know It's Some Night When...

Mood: Resilient, which is about all a person can say when they feel like their sinuses have been run over by an SUV

Song: "I Will Survive" (I am so terrible at knowing who sings songs :D)

I look at the stars and know there is a God...how could there not be when he placed such gorgeous sparkly diamonds in the expanse of the heavens to testify to his presence? They winked at me, flickering amidst the velvety blue curtain of the firmament. Thankfully, I live somewhere I can still see them (for the moment at least).

Blogs are great, but they only reveal part of what's going on. Like tonight, for instance; I could tell you I'm supposed to be at class right now (truth #1). I could also say that I hate having allergies (truth #2). When your own body turns against you, you KNOW it's a problem.

On another note, a situation I've been fretting about seems to be steadily getting worse. For one of the few times in my (still rather short) life, I have no words-although you have probably realized that I'm doing a pretty good job of filling in the page right now.

I guess that I have one masculine quality: I like to fix things. When a friend is in need, I want to be there with every fibre of my being...and I can't. You'd think 5 hours would be close enough, but 300 miles seems a world away tonight.

I'm sitting here typing primarily becuase, after I gave my technology presentation in (sorry, I have to say it...waste of time Methods of Teaching Grammar class), the instructor said, "If you're not feeling well, you really should go home and rest". I told her I didn't want my participation points affected, and she assured me that since I wasn't looking well she wouldn't hold it against me. I didn't wait for a second invitation.

I know that I should care about integrating technology into the classroom, but honestly-why does she think we're required to take an ENTIRE SEMESTER CLASS covering technology integration????

Anyhow, I'm sitting here right now at work (I love cable modems) typing this reflection, missing LA LA land terribly, and wishing I could do more than remind my suffering friend that "weeping endures for the night, but joy (silently, suddenly, unexpectedly) comes in the morning".

Why is it that trouble appears to us with the gale force of a hurricane while peace is as fragile as the wolf-gray clouds I see out the window?

Passive-Agressive Therapy

Mood: Concerned

Song: "If You Could See" by Steven Curtis Chapman

Sometimes it's so hard to watch someone you care deeply about do things that you know can only cause heartache and grief. Such a deplorable situation is any friend's nightmare. I understand why this person is doing what they are-clearly, she cannot seem to grasp the irreparable damage that might come from a "simple" choice. She knows she cannot let go of a certain tie to her past, but she also recognizes that this may deeply alter and scar a present relationship. Since this issue can't just be talked about, she takes the passive agressive stand of seeming to comply without actually doing so-obeying the letter, if not the spirit of the law. I am so terrified that this will come back to haunt her that I scarcely know how to respond. It's not even conscious; she's not purposefully setting out to deceive, and yet that is the end result because she knows that telling would bring disapproval, like a leaden weight, down upon her. So, she simply keeps silent and continues doing what she wants to, regardless of ultimate consequences. The person forcing her into this choice, her husband, doesn't realize that she needs time and logical reasons in order to replace wrong thoughts leading to wrong actions.

Confused????

DEAL WITH IT!

From my profile you know that I'm not married *yet*, so obviously this "friend" is not me. However, in a blatantly obvious example of the pot calling the kettle black, I also have trouble honestly offering up truth when I know that its pitiful seeds will only be tossed back into the wind, floating effortlessly away alongside the dust of an exploded relationship.

SO WHY AM I SO STUBBORN?

Just when I think I've got a handle on my life, I realize that I need to delve into deeper issues. Righteousness is often compared to a target, and God keeps moving the target farther and farther back as our aim increases. It's a process, as I should know because even the Hebrew word implies that. Actions should be based on truth...I firmly believe this, and yet it seems impossble to explain. This is why, of course, I have yet to pick a Maid of Honor; I know it will only lead to conflict. I feel so selfish when I state an opinion that is different from anyone else's or ever dare to presume to ask something of someone. To the person I mentioned at the beginning of this post, I offer my heartfelt love and understanding. Stay firm in what you know to be true and speak the truth in love. To myself, I offer the same advice, knowing that I would rather see my dreams dashed into smithereens than face disappointing someone. I must end this post with a reference to Langston Hughes and his poem, "A Dream Deffered" What happens to a dream deferred? Does it dry up like a raisin in the sun? Or fester like a sore-- And then run? Does it stink like rotten meat? Or crust and sugar over-- Like a syrupy sweet? Maybe it just sags like a heavy load. Or does it explode?

We'll Speak of Many Things...Like Chocolate Chips and High School Guidance Counselors

Mood: impatient Song: "Memories" Today at 3:40 I'll be having coffee with my high school guidance counselor. It's odd being friends with your counselor, let me tell you ;). Mrs. W. always has been amazing, though, and she's the one who encouraged me to go into teaching in the first place. I'm back at my old high school, Saguaro (not to be confused with Sahuaro in Phoenix, which happened at more band events than I'd care to recall :)). It's such a trip to be able to park in the teacher's lot. I had quite a few "interesting" teachers in my high school career, and thank GOODNESS most of them have retired. I vividly recall: *Mr. M., our band director with a glass eye; he used to throw it at students when he was really upset with us-either that or music stands he used to bend with his bare hands. *Mrs. K., the English teacher whose first day of school speech was, and I kid you not, "by the end of this semester you will have worked your tail off, you will hate me and everyone in your research paper group, and you will learn why I earned the nickname 'Killer'". The scariest part was that she MEANT it. *Mr. P, who used to give us daily updates on the color underwear he was wearing. SO...I'm going into teaching WHY, again? ;). Well, I'd probably better take stock of the lessons I've learned since high school graduation Lessons I've Learned: *The best way to take over the world is by creating your own language. *People only want you to be honest up to a point-most of them never get beyond “fine” *Having a fiancée (or finance, as my mother calls him ;) ) in another state is HORRIFIC! *Healthy attitudes towards food are easier thought of than practiced. *Chocolate chip cookie torture (no nuts, of course) really works. *Just about any grammatical principle can be illustrated with sentences about elephants. *Veritas est filia temporis (truth is the daughter of time)

Oh, That's Right-It's Confession, Contrition, THEN Restitution

Mood: pensive Song: "Friends" by Michael W. Smith Why is it that those who look like they have everything together are usually just about to implode? I have decided to join the wonderful world of blogging not because I think that my thoughts are necessarily worth being preserved, but to get them out of my head ;). I spoke with Mir last night, and it was truly refreshing...Montaigne was DEFINITELY delusional when he said that women couldn't be truly friends because thier souls aren't big enough. I must have forgotten to take my scoff medication, because I'm still chuckling over that one. I've never met someone with a larger soul. Mir is brilliant, but it is her compassion that makes friendship with her glorious. I wish that her life wasn't such a roller coaster right now, but I pray that God will give her strength to bear with the path she has chosen. I'm at my internship right now, and I've got 30 seniors waiting anxiously (yeah, right ;) ) to discuss Canterbury Tales. Chaucer may not make you laugh hysterically as you're reading, but when you realize that, yes, he really IS being that bawdy, he can actually be quite amusing (c.f. "The Miller's Tale" for proof) :).