Mood: Bemused/Thoughtful
Song: "Always a Woman"-Billy Joel
Shhhhh...
What I am about to reveal in this posting could brand me a traitor to my gender:
When will guys ever learn the fundamental truth that the biggest turn on for women (coming, of course, from someone whose life is still PG-13 until May 28th :) ) is an emotional connection? I know, we all are aware of this and it is even the subject of many jokes; however, the fundamental principle remains. Anything physical becomes even more *indescribably* wonderful when in the context of a meaningful relationship built on mutual trust, respect, honesty, and honor.
I'm not a feminist by any stretch of the imagination (I'm actually quite conservative), so don't start burning any undergarments yet, ladies. On the other hand, I understand now why communication is so essential. Sadly, I am convinced that many males have no concern for what we're thinking or feeling, becoming almost totally focused on having thier own needs met.
Let me use a fishing analogy (borrowed from a book I'm reading entitled Love is a Decision)
If you want a perfect cast every time, it's important to take care of your reel so it will be working when you need it. Any deep-seated issues in a relationship will show up physically first. This makes sense, when you think about it, since those needs fall at the bottom of Maslow's hierarchy. The relationship in the above metaphor, of course, is the reel (minds out of the gutter, please :) ). Honestly, I think that women fundamentally desire security, and I know more people than I care to mention who have gotten into trouble to ensure the rug isn't pulled out from under them. Men, on the other hand, are often about ego (not in a bad way...we all need a well-developed sense of self).
Here's MY "taxicab confession"-
I HAVE TRUST ISSUES
*whew* I'm glad that's said :) :) :). We can't excuse our problems by blaming them on our parents (sorry, Sigmund Freud), nor can we use the old standby line, "That's just the way I am." Confession starts by taking ownership upon understanding the gravity of what we have done. I'm leading a Bible study on Genesis, and in a recent lesson we read about Abraham's deception of the Philistine king Abimelech when he told Abimelech that his wife Sarah was really his sister. When confronted, Abraham initiated a rear-covering maneuver by saying, "Well, actually she really IS my half-sister. She just happens to be my wife as well". Sidetrack??? I don't think it is. The patriarch wasn't being completely honest, and I discovered this weekend that I'm not usually honest even with myself.
A small issue on Wednesday turned into a big issue; Charles, unfortunately, had to bear the brunt of it. I was upset, but I didn't know how upset I was until later. Thus, I told him everything was fine (and I thought it was), but when he was on his way to see me I realized that I really was bothered by it.
It must have been extremely hurtful for Charles to realize that the person he loves ends up pulling away or holding back because she doesn't count on you to be there for her or follow through. Of course, I don't count on anyone to be there (not without cause, mind you). This weekend I had to confront myself, and the sight turned me to stone. I wish sometimes I had the ability to erase the past, to return to a state of innocence and trust. Unfortunately, the ghosts always remain, like Hamlet's father rising from their Purgatory to return and stir me to act.
My relationship history is spotty at best (one genuine relationship that ended VERY badly after being a "yo-yo relationship" for years, and one "friend" who turned into a stalker [Direct Quote: "You know, there are lots of places outside your house where someone could hide and you'd never even realize it"] *involuntary shudder*). The tragedy of it all was that for so long (and probably still today), I thought I deserved to be used-my ex wanted me to step into the sidelines as soon as he found someone else, then when that didn't work, he'd intentionallty get my hopes up again just so that he could gratify his own wants. My mother is still friends with the parents of my ex, and in a phone conversation his mom said to mine, "Oh, yes, he's trying to convince M. (his wife) to come to the wedding". My first thought: Oh, gee, I thought people actually wanted to be INVITED before planning to attend an event :P. Unacceptable! The tragedy is, I never told either of these two individuals (the ex and the freaky stalker) how much they hurt me. Not that it would have made a difference to either of them, but I'm just beginning to become unfrozen again.
I want to be a woman of high moral character, but I am also aware of every minute flaw-if I were to paint my picture, I could etch in every line and crease.
The worst of it all is that I still absolutely blame myself. Under the mercy alone can I hope to stand.
